Author: Sara

When Divorce Comes Home

Divorce -


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This month we are looking at a very painful topic: divorce.  Thank you to each of our dear sisters who prayerfully prepared their testimonies to share with us. 

When God Brought Me to My Knees

My experience with abandonment and divorce is probably not much different than others.  I had no inkling that my husband was having an affair and desired to leave our family.  It shocked me that my husband could so completely turn his back on his family and God.  My husband started his affair when our youngest son was three months old.

She was a coworker of his who was having marital problems.  It first started as a friendship then progressed to more since I was preoccupied with my new born son and my job.  The worst part of it all is the fact I know the lady he was having an affair with and work with her mother.  The other woman’s mother knew, but did not say anything to me because her daughter was happy.  The two of them are still together, and they now have a baby together.

 

Probably the worst part of it all was the divorce trial.  I would not settle out of court because I knew I had to fight for my boys.  Fighting over custody is not easy and brings out the ugly in some people.  I was blessed to have found a Christian lawyer who understood what I wanted.  It is unnerving to see and hear someone you love say negative and mean things about you to try and show you are not good for your own children.  That was the most heart wrenching thing to hear. I could not believe that my ex would use my Christianity as a reason for me not to be a fit mother.  His lawyer tried to make me out to be close-minded and a bigot.

 

Thankfully, the judge did not see it that way, and saw past the attempts.  Also, I had to trust God with my finances, because my husband refused to pay child support.  It was hard to not worry about how I was going to pay bills when I was not getting any support.  It was amazing how God worked everything out with help from family, friends, and my church.  God definitely knew what I needed more than I did. For that I am eternally grateful.

 

I was completely lost and shaken to the core.  God used this to bring me to him and show me that I had been trying to do things my way and not his.  I was broken and knew that I could not try and fix our marriage on my own.  I knew God was leading me to him through all of this.  Yes, I yelled at God and asked him why he was punishing me by allowing my family to be torn apart.  I could not wrap my head around how a divorce could be in God’s plan as for what was best for me and my two boys.
My ex and I had three mandated marriage counseling sessions.  These sessions brought so much to light that I had been trying to fix on my own and not allowing God to lead me.  I found out, that I needed to stop fighting and allow God to work in my life.  I took it upon myself to continue counseling sessions to help my growth and to ensure I was walking down the path God truly wanted me to go.  Counseling was the best thing I could have done for myself and my boys.   I had an advocate who was right there beside me all the way helping me anyway that I needed. The pastor I had counseling with was there to let me work through all my emotions and problems at my speed.  It was wonderful to know I had a safe place where I could go and let it all out.

Getting counseling for my eldest son was also a priority because he was having a hard time coping. He could not wrap his head around how his dad could turn his back on God and his family the way that he had.

 

My family, my ex’s family, my friends, and my church family have also been such a wonderful support for me.  They have all stuck by the boys and me and have been there unconditionally.  I have so many different people to go to for help with anything.  My boys have no lack of Godly father figures to learn from, and I am so thankful for that.  I am glad that God has brought me closer to my ex’s family through all of this and that I can lean on my father-in-law for help with discipline and love of my boys.

 

Since the divorce was finalized, I have moved to be closer to family and friends who are my support system.  My husband is still living with his new family.  I am able to work on showing God’s love to them all on a daily basis.  I know that this is what God wants me to do, and it allows me to show my ex that I still love him.  We all pray that God will bring my ex back to himself and to his family, but if that is not God’s will than that is okay.  God will show me his will for the boys and my life.  I completely trust him in all because he has done so much for us already.

 

Through this whole trial that has encompassed the last 2 1/2 years of my life I have learned so much about myself, about God and his will and path for my life.  This is definitely not the path I would have chosen to walk down, but it is the path God has chosen for my boys and I to walk down.

 

God has laid many scripture passages on my heart through this all and I have my favorites memorized and the others written up and hanging in places around my home where I see them daily.  My favorite Bible passages are: Jeremiah 29:11-13, Romans 8:28, Proverbs 3:5-6 and Philippians 4:4-9. These all give me comfort when I am having a bad day and struggling a little more than normal.

 

 

Stopped In My Tracks … God Carried us Through

 

Conflict, Separation, and Divorce: The three words that can stop any woman in her tracks as she walks down life’s pathway.

Sometimes, as I look back, I see that what I thought was a life choice on my part, was only on my side of my marriage.  People must make the decision to remain married for themselves, no matter where they are in their relationship, whether two years of marriage, twenty, or more.

 

At the beginning of our marriage we seldom argued because neither my husband nor I liked conflict in our home. We did have a few arguments and quite a few discussions about how our family was managing.  After being assured that I was being too sensitive about a recent discussion with my mother-in-law, I began to lesson my guard and tried to understand why a woman who had been married to seven different men would be telling me to be careful and keep my eyes open for changes that may be coming (?).

I had been feeling happy with how our jobs were working out and how we were dealing with financial difficulties. Some of our greatest needs had been met with the help of an extra part-time job.  So when we were not able to spend as much time together as we wanted, it was credited to all of the hours that we were working. While I was working the evening shift, he would watch our two young children. Then he would load them up in the car and drive to work were he would punch in two minutes late, so that I could punch out and walk out to the car and he would go into the building and punch in for his overnight shift.  Everything was going so well that I couldn’t have been more pleased.

 

Then after a couple of “guys nights” where he came home very late, I was not so happy.  He seemed to be pulling away and finding fault with everything that we were doing.  He was not happy.  But the biggest secret was not one that I was keeping; it was the guilt of the one he was keeping.  There were other people in our marriage that had not been invited by both of us, so the conflicts began.

 

He was unable to share how he felt and he chose to escape our difficulties by having a couple of girlfriends, as well as other interests.  As one thing led to another, the dishonesty was overwhelming to him, and finally he left.  I went to work one night after asking my family to watch the girls, so that he could go visit and help his mother at her house.  And he just didn’t come home.  I was devastated! I was completely unable to understand that he was not coming back… ever.  He had taken the opportunity to move in with his mistress, just one of the women with which he created a relationship.
The separation of our family was complete. Repeated attempts to reconcile with advice, counseling, and therapy just did not work. It was as if he had made up his mind and there was no changing any of the circumstances or outcomes.  This is not what I would expect from a soft and gentle spirit and someone who knows that God is able to repair and renew relationships.

 

As far as I could see my life was over. But God had a different plan.  This was just one step in God teaching me to rely on Him … not me, not my husband, not even my church and the friends I found there.

I read in the scriptures that a marriage covenant is from now until death do us part (I Corinthians 7:39).  I take this to be certain.  Not everyone believes the same as I do, but since I came from a divorced home with many “girlfriends” and “guy friends” being brought into my relationship with my mom and my dad, I knew that was not going to be right for me.  (I didn’t like getting to know a new person just to have them disappear after about two months of visitation or four or five months of being around.

The constant coming and going made me not trust too many adults, and I didn’t feel like I could be alone with them without them wanting to “get to know me better” or just getting rid of me.)

 

So I chose to stay single at least until my children were grown and out of the house.  If God had a plan of a different path then it would be up to Him to show it to me.  God showed me scripture in a whole new light, like this passage from Isaiah 55:7-9:

 

“Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

 

If raising children as a single parent was so easy then everyone would be doing it, right? So, I just kept on doing the best that I could.  I would get my children connected with their Sunday school teachers, youth workers, and youth pastors so they would have connections with godly examples of how families should work.  Sometimes it was a great fit, other times not so much.  But the families in our church would include my children in as much as they could so the kids would see how godly families were designed.

 

And I never told my kids that divorced life was what was easy.  The time spent with their dad and step mom was difficult.  And although they had opportunities to do things with dad that we couldn’t afford to do, I didn’t want them to think poorly of their father.  He was always a hard worker and really tried to understand why the children were conflicted about our situation. The conflict that it created for our children was a constant point of contention in how he and I related as co-parents.  His current wife was not always contributing in a positive way, and it caused conflict within our family quite a bit.

 

But, God is bigger than the human problems that we construct. God is much wiser than the human mind. God is much more gracious than the human attitude. So I found peace in seeking God’s will for not just myself, but also for my “broken” family.  We were a family that prayed together, went to church together, made too much noise during the service together, and served together in our church through visitations, nursery work, children’s church and many teen activities.  This is what our family did to combat the inward looking self-pity that often accompanies divorce.  We used our God-given skills and gifts to reach others with the gospel.

Looking back and looking around… those who are going through divorce, conflict and separation are both a mission field and a ministry opportunity just waiting for loving, patient, godly friends and family to lift them up, befriend them and support them as they find the path that God has for them through and after the conflict.

 

Are you willing to reach out to a family going through this type of conflict?  Here is my advice for reaching out to divorced women and their children:

  • Pray for them
  • Tell them you are glad to see them when they are at church- no matter how many of them are able to make it.  Please be gracious and avoid comments like, “I haven’t seen Dave much lately … has he been ill?”
  • Ask if you could watch the children so the woman/man can go to the store without taking all the children out.
  • Invite the children to your home for an evening meal and family time… this is especially helpful if the father is absent from the home and not involved with leading family devotions.
  • Ask if there are any car repairs/home maintenance issues that you can lend a helping hand to, or recommend a good expert (plumber/electrician…) to help them when they need someone to handle a large job.

I am so thankful for the opportunity to share my story.  It was difficult, but also a blessing to look back now and see again how wonderful our loving Father is, and how He was always with us during this and all times.

 

Heartbreak andRedemption

 

We were high school sweethearts and as a senior I knew I was going to marry him. We dated through college and were married on June 11, 1994. He felt God calling him to be a seminary professor.  So the focus for eleven years became his schooling. During that time we moved seven times, received three degrees, and had three children. In 2005, he was hired at a seminary, and we settled in loving where God had us.

 

Around November, 2009 I saw things that concerned me. When I asked him, he reassured me everything was fine. About ten months later I stood in the shower sobbing to God, knowing something wasn’t right. Soon after, I started searching the house – drawers, between mattresses, closets – I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I was looking.

 

On October 9, 2010, I found a phone in my husband’s work bag.  I confronted him.  And what I didn’t think would ever happen to us had happened – my husband was having an affair and the woman was someone I considered a friend. I was devastated, confused, and numb. When he asked me to forgive him, I said I didn’t know what that looked like. After finding out he had bought a ring for the woman, I made him leave.

 

The next morning was like any other Sunday except the kids questioned where Daddy was. I said he had a meeting at church so he left early. After church he told the kids (ages 7, 10, and 11) that he loved another woman which hurt mommy a lot and was wrong … so he could not live at home for a while.

 

I got counseling, and by the end of November I knew I needed to reconcile. In early December, just as I was accepting the idea, my counselor asked to see me. When I arrived she prayed like always, but it was slightly different. She ended with “help Amy to know how much we love her.” Immediately my heart began beating faster. She said, “He needs to talk to you. There’s more.” We walked to the pastor’s office, and he told me they had done things in our house and in OUR bed.

 

Before I left that day my pastor said, “I don’t know how you are going to walk into your house or sleep in your bed tonight, but God loves you.” I replied, “I will sleep in my bed tonight, because a week ago a friend insisted on buying me new bedding. I’ve had it on my bed for two days. A week ago I told her it wasn’t necessary. God knew it was, and He took care of it. I know He loves me.”  In February I told him I wanted a divorce. I couldn’t trust him, and I couldn’t go through this again.

 

God worked though, and by the end of April I knew God wanted me to reconcile. One of the things He used was a ladies conference at our church in March. The speaker said, “When my husband asked if I could ever forgive him for the sin he committed against me and our children, I said ‘yes.’” She followed by saying, “In that moment I didn’t need to trust my husband. I needed to trust God.” The next morning I told him I forgave him.

 

Around that same time my pastor said in a message, “The extraordinary acts of God in the world often take place in the context of the faith of ordinary believers who obey God in circumstances that are neither pretty nor easy.” April through September included uncomfortable times in counseling as a couple and dating. It was an exhausting time for me, because while I knew what God wanted me to do, I wasn’t good with it. A godly man gave me this advice, “Obey God now and the feelings will come.”

 

On September 15, 2011, we exchanged vows in front of our closest family and friends. It wasn’t easy to promise “till death do us part,” because this time I knew what I was promising. The past two years haven’t always been easy, because I am still afraid of getting my heart broken again. He recently spent two weeks half-way around the world teaching a theology class to a group of pastors – something a couple years ago he didn’t know if he would ever do again. It was during the time he was away that God showed me I wasn’t trusting Him with my future. God knew I needed him to be gone as much as he needed this teaching opportunity.

 

Things I decided early on:

 

1.)  My life would continue. It didn’t matter what happened the day before, I went to church! I didn’t cancel a brunch I had planned at my house for that Monday.

2.)  I would not talk negatively about my husband in front of my children.

3.)  I would be kind to him. I claimed Ephesians 4:32 and often read, “Forgiveness is all about me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.” One time I knew the Lord was telling me to invite him to stay for dinner. I thought, “I don’t want him here.” Yet, I felt the same prompting “invite him to stay for dinner.” I actually stomped my foot and said, “Fine! I’ll let him stay.”

Things God did for me:

1.)  He loved me.

2.)  He was faithful in keeping His promises.

3.)  He was good.

  • The morning of October 10, the first Facebook status I saw was “Circumstances may appear to wreck our lives, but God is not helpless among the ruins. Our broken lives are not lost or useless. God’s love is still working. He comes in and takes the calamity and uses it victoriously, working out His wonderful plan of love” (Eric Lidell). God hugged me in that moment.
  • When unable to decide if we should come home for dinner or just go to Wendy’s to make the evening easier after a crazy day a friend dropped by and said, “I thought you could use this.” It was a gift card to Wendy’s! It was like God said, “Let me buy you dinner tonight.”

4.)  He prepared me. That summer we were challenged at church to read through the Bible in 105 days.  Our family took the challenge, and every day the kids and I spent an hour reading ALL of God’s Word.

5.)  He took care of my children. My counselor encouraged me to get a notebook for each of them to write anything related to the situation. One night I was looking at my seven-year-old’s notebook, and she had written: “I am scared Daddy won’t get to come home.” Next she wrote “What time I am afraid I will trust in God.” He brought Scripture to her mind when she needed it.

6.)  God provided for us.

  • He provided a vehicle through my in-laws when ours wasn’t worth repairing.
  • He provided financially. The seminary gave me his paycheck through the end of the year. He started a new job on January 3 so there was always an income.
  • He provided a vacation. For a long time we had been planning to go to Disney with friends in January 2011. In October I was sure that trip wasn’t going to happen, but God provided every penny.
  • He took take care of school. My children were in a Christian school, a benefit of my husband’s job. The seminary graciously paid the tuition for the remainder of the year, but I knew the following year I could never afford to keep them there. In March I was hired to work in the school office. One of the benefits is my kids go free which only God could have arranged!
  • He provided a new home. In April I told God He would have to provide a new house for us to move into before he could move back in. That August the kids and I moved.

There are no words to express the pain of betrayal by a spouse. Even with my closest friends by my side I felt alone. But, God never left me. It was after I told him I was going to divorce him that I said to God, “It’s you and me, God, and I’m good with that.” I know He only allowed those things to happen to me that would make me more like Jesus.  And while I can’t say I was thankful for the trial, God helped me to be thankful in the trial. With all the things God taught me and did for me during that time I felt like Job when he said,

“I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You.” Job 42:5

 

Here are some ways you can help a hurting friend:

  1. Do something! If you feel a prompting from the Lord, do it. Remember the bedding and the gift card? He might want to use you to meet a need in His perfect time.
  2. Don’t say “if you need something let me know.” She won’t know what she needs.
  3. Make a meal.
  4. Don’t stay silent! Let her know you love her and that you are praying.
  5. Be there for her . . . when she is ready. She may have just a couple close friends she turns to. Be okay with not being one of them.
  6. Remember she still has the same interests. She is going to get tired of talking about her situation.
  7. Don’t gossip.
  8. If she has children offer to take them for an afternoon. She has gone from having a husband who shared the load to doing it alone.
  9. Sit with her in church. It can be very lonely sitting in a church pew by yourself when you’ve always sat with your husband.

10.Send cards and include a Bible verse stating a promise or attribute of God. She can read them when she needs encouragement.

11.Don’t immediately preach at her to forgive and reconcile. She needs time to process all that has happened. Let God work.

12.Most importantly pray for her!

  • That she doesn’t make emotional decisions
  • That she will forgive
  • That she will be open to reconciliation
  • That she will be kind to her husband
  • That she would constantly be in God’s Word and stay close to Him
  • That she would see how good God is and know He loves her
  • That she will sleep because everything seems a little better after a good sleep

 

Hope and Healing Through Christ

When Sara first asked me to contribute to this article, I was in the half asleep fog of early morning and agreed to it before I really comprehended what she was asking.  I began mulling over some of the things that helped me through the struggles of being divorced, and I felt excited at the idea that my experience could encourage someone else.  I had every intention of sitting down really soon and writing out my thoughts…but then I was overcome by fear and doubt.  I have a tendency to think I’m not good enough, I don’t have any answers, and I can’t help anyone.

Over the holidays I continued to struggle with these thoughts.  It’s difficult not to feel your “aloneness” more acutely when everything around you is centered on family, togetherness, and love.  I spent too much time feeling empty and alone, and not enough time thinking about the things I’m thankful for, the true meaning of Christmas, and the hope and promise of a new year.  I somehow forgot all the things that helped me, and even wondered if anything really did help.

I put off writing the article.  I think Satan must take particular delight in distracting me from Christ and what He’s doing by getting me to focus on the brokenness of my own life.

When you’re divorced, it’s easy to focus on the brokenness of life. The shattered pieces are all around: the aching loneliness and rejection, the hurting children, the weariness and uncertainty.  But the reality is that all of us, as humans, experience these things to varying degrees and in various ways no matter our circumstances, because we are all broken.  There is a battle for our attention; the brokenness of our lives vs. the victory of Christ. When I focus on the brokenness of my life, I feel discouraged, unloved, and alone.  But I can choose to turn the eyes of my heart toward Christ and His love for me instead.

The truth is that I am deeply loved by the very Creator and Sustainer of the universe. In John 15:9 Jesus says,

“Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love.”

 

In Galatians Paul says that the Son of God loved me enough to give Himself up for me.  And in Ephesians he tells me that the love of Christ surpasses knowledge and that knowing that love will fill me up.  I don’t need to feel empty and broken, because God loves me so much that He became broken for me, so that I could be whole in Him.  Remembering the truth of who I am in Christ gives me the courage to face each day as it comes, believing that God is loving and good, and that He has a plan and a purpose for me.  My hope is in Him, not in my circumstances here on earth.  To quote the hymn,

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and grace.”

 

 

Thank you, dear Sisters, for sharing your stories with us.  I am so very sad for what you have gone through.  At the same time, I am awed by God’s loving provision for you and your families. Thank you for helping us learn from you, gaining wisdom and understanding to more compassionately lift up our divorced sisters and their children.  May God continue to lavish His love on you and your families!

Images courtesy of http://www.canstockphoto.com/images-photos/divorce.html

 


by Categories: In Her Shoes, Marriage, Missions 5 Comments

Is God Calling You to Full Time Christian Service?

Honestly, I never felt called or led by God to be a pastor’s wife.  Both of my sisters married pastors, and before I went to college my parents sweetly told me never to feel pressured to follow their path – the most important thing was to follow God’s leading for my life.

Most of the time when I was growing up I believed God was leading me to be a missionary overseas.  I would pepper visiting missionaries with questions.  I even got to the point where I practically told God, “I AM going to be a missionary, no matter what You think” (yikes).  Finally, He got me to a point where I said, “YOUR will be done” (whew).

Zooming ahead … my husband and I both graduated from Bible college.  Yet, we are not in full-time Christian service.

  • Did we waste money and time on our Bible college education?
  • Was it all for nothing?
  • Are we disobeying God?
  • Do we please God less because we are “electrical engineer” and “stay-at-home-homeschooling-mom” instead of “Rev.” and “Mrs. Pastor”?

It couldn’t be further from the truth!  God in His wisdom led us to Bible college, and then He led us to be Full-Time Christians.  In our church and in our community God opens up opportunities all the time to share His good gifts with others.  We are far from perfect about following up on all of His opportunities, but with His strength He is using us and we are constantly in awe of His provision!

God doesn’t call each of His children into the same field.  Where would we be if all believers were pastors and pastors wives?  Where would the body of Christ – the foot, the eyes, the knees be, to fulfill the callings of the local church in our communities (I Corinthians 12)?  He wisely places us in the position He knows will benefit from the talents He’s given us most effectively.

 

“And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ.” Ephesians 4:11-13 NKJV

 

When Tim was attending Bible college, seeking God’s will for his life, his pastor took him aside privately and told him that he was confident that God wasn’t leading him to be a pastor.  Was Tim willing and open to be one?  Yes!  But, God used his pastor, who knew his personality and heart well, to give him loving, specific counsel.  Following Bible college, Tim pursued his (God given) interests in math, radio systems and computers, attending community college and then a state university.  The education he learned there, especially learning how to work through the tests of faith and how to face the bombardment against God’s Word, has been priceless.  I can’t tell you how many times God has opened doors for Tim (who pushed on the door of missions by taking a college Missionary Apprentice Program to France) in his engineering field to answer difficult questions about life, death, God, creation, family, etc.  Tim’s Greek and doctrinal training from Bible college days helps in his teaching/music ministry at church, as well as on a daily basis enriching his personal Bible study and walk with God.  God didn’t call him to be a pastor, but God is using him every day!

Before we were married, I taught for three years in a Christian school.  Many of my students were from Ukraine, as well and Pakistan and India.  One of my Indian students and her brother came to know Christ in our Christian school.  A few years later their mom trusted Christ and has shared the gospel with family and friends around the world – many who are coming to know Christ personally!  Praise the Lord!

A couple years ago we hosted a Muslim exchange student from the Philippines, and a Christian young lady from Ghana.  Talk about a mission field!  We are part of a church that is blessed with many students from all over the world attending a state university.  God has brought the world to us.  We are missionaries in our mid-western city – God’s place for us.

Our backgrounds come together to greatly help us in our most important mission field of all: our sons.
Most every day the boys and I pray for Daddy as he goes to his mission field at work, and for God to help us be a light for Jesus in our mission field: our neighborhood, and people we come into contact with at doctors offices, grocery stores, restaurants, parks, etc.  Just today my oldest son wanted to give a gospel tract to some friends of ours who were visiting.  Our mission field is very real!

Pastors and their wives, missionaries, missionary wives … these dear men and women have a sacred calling from God that is different from all else.  As shepherds leading us, as they follow the Good Shepherd, they have unique responsibilities, challenges, sacrifices, and rewards.  We must be committed to loving them (in word and deed!), praying for them, and supporting them.  But, if God didn’t call us to those ministries, we would be sinning against Him by disobeying His lead in our lives.  God’s will is the best place to be.

Perhaps, some time in the future, Tim and I might become missionaries.  We’ve talked about the possibility that after his retirement from his engineering mission field, God may call us to serve in areas of Bible translation (he’s continued using his Greek and enjoys learning Hebrew in his spare time), teaching, technical help, music, etc. on foreign and domestic mission fields.  Until then, we will walk with God daily on the mission field of His calling.  He knows best, and we are confident He will lead us every step of the way!

 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJV



Summary:  We each need to seek God’s individual leading, through His Word and the guidance of godly counselors.  He will, in time, impress us through His Spirit in the way we must go.  No fear of missing the boat!  Walk with Him today, every day, and He will faithfully guide to the next step.  Churches need godly pastors and their wives, as well as godly laymen and laywomen.

What about you?  Are you a Full Time Christian, where God has called you to be?  God will provide all the strength and resources we need to fulfill His calling.  Best of all, He promises to be with us every step of the way!

 

“I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all.” Ephesians 4:1-5 NKJV

 

by Categories: Education, Evangelism, Faith, God Appointments, God's Will, Missions, Obedience 2 Comments

In Her Shoes – Advocating for the Beauty of Life

“He will tend his flock like a shepherd, He will gather the lambs in his arms; He will carry them in his bosom,
and gently lead those that are with young.”
Isaiah 40:11 ESV
It is my privilege to introduce you to my dear college friend Melinda, who has been strategically placed by God on the front line as an advocate for the gift of life.  I have learned much from her and know you will greatly benefit by reading her testimony.
I must say, I’ve had more trouble with arranging this article than I have with any other “In Her Shoes” thus far … no surprise that Satan would do anything he can to stop God’s mission of life. Thank you to those who have prayed this through!  Nothing will make the spacing below behave, but I am not going to allow imperfection to keep this from going out!
Will you pray with me about how God might want to use us in greater ways to advocate for life in our homes, our churches, and our communities?  Thank you, Melinda!

Of all the things I thought I was preparing for during my college years, my current job isn’t one of them. In fact, I’m pretty sure I would have told you fifteen years ago that I didn’t have any expectation of working outside our home, let alone being the director of anything.
Yet that is what God had in store. Just over five years ago, only two years after we’d moved to Colorado where my husband had been called to pastor a small church, someone I knew slightly asked if I would be interested in joining the board of our local pregnancy resource center. PRCs (as the abbreviation goes) are a Christian outreach to abortion-vulnerable women, seeking to equip them with hope and truth that will encourage them to choose life. Often, PRCs also provide post-abortion counseling, parenting classes, and material resources for parents.
A board member? I’d never done that and, with four young children at home, didn’t believe I’d have the time. We only knew a little about the local pregnancy center and weren’t encouraged by what we knew. The ministry was struggling, and most churches in our town weren’t involved in its support or staffing. A few weeks later, the same person told me that the board had decided to hire a new director and asked if I’d be interested in that position. If I didn’t have time to commit two hours per month as a board member, I certainly wouldn’t be able to be the director of the entire ministry. But we knew the pregnancy center was struggling, and we prayed that God would glorify Himself by turning it around.
A month later, another local pastor who served on the board approached my husband. The other pastor’s request surprised him (and me, when he told me). Our friend said, “We’ve been looking and praying for a new director for several weeks, but every time we’ve asked for a referral or recommendation, your wife’s name is the only name that comes up. We know she doesn’t want a full-time job, but we don’t know what else to do other than ask you to pray about it.”
By the time my husband arrived home, he encouraged me to take the job. We both believed that the glory of God was at stake, not only because of the abortion issue in our community, but also in the reputation of this ministry in our town. We believed that the ministry should be one that Bible-believing churches and faithful believers could support with eagerness because of what God was doing.
“Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause.” Isaiah 1:17 ESV

So began a roller coaster that I could not have imagined when I was hired. If I had known the work God was calling me to do, I would have affirmed that I was in fact NOT qualified to do it and would certainly have turned down the position. Instead, God has equipped and provided while we went through:
  1. A medical conversion (we now have an ultrasound machine and a nurse on staff)
  2. Purchased an office
  3. Hired four other staff members
  4. Provided counseling and support to six clients who made adoption plans
  5. Faced a budget that’s more than 10 times what it was when I was hired
  6. Completed a rebranding process to launch a new name, new logo and new website
  7. Started teaching classes on sexual integrity at the public middle school
  8. Launched a post-abortion support group and Bible study 
  9. Dealt with a myriad of other experiences that have been life-changing
Here is a professional photo of a baby with his mom (our client).
A quote from her that I love was what she said in an e-mail to us after he was born:
“I never knew how much I was going to love being a mom,
and I never would have known if you hadn’t been there.” – Melinda
In the meantime, here are some of the things that God has taught me about this aspect of our society and our Christian lives that we often call the “pro-life” movement: 
    • Women who are considering or have chosen abortions come from every walk of life, every age group, every spiritual
      background, and are both married and single. Statistically, one in four American women has had an abortion, and those statistics are as true in our churches as they are in our towns.
    • Abortion decisions are fueled by a paralyzing fear and incomprehensible pressures, pressures that are very real to the men
      and women facing the unintended pregnancy. The illustration that best describes their realities is that of an animal caught in a trap that would rather chew off its own foot than stay in the trap. I fear that in our Christian circles, we often trivialize the situation that so many of our neighbors are in, condemning their choices as an “easy way out” or a “selfish decision” without taking the time to walk in their shoes and to grieve for the fears that speak so loudly in their ears that they can’t hear anything else.
    • We need to speak with compassion about abortion in our churches. Many women in evangelical churches will never seek healing
      from a past abortion decision because the least safe, most dangerous place to acknowledge an abortion is in their churches. It is the one secret that MUST be hidden at all costs, even if keeping it hidden means shutting themselves off from the healing, restoration and forgiveness they need so desperately.
    • Our teenagers need parents, mentors, and relatives to have honest, gracious conversations with them about sex. I’ve had
      many teen clients in my office who grew up going to church with their families. But when their sexual choices resulted in the possibility of an unintended pregnancy, their first thought was for her to get an abortion because above all, they could not possibly let their parents know what had happened.
    • Our teenagers also need to know that we (parents, mentors, teachers) love them unconditionally. That we believe God can
      and will give them grace to make wise, healthy decisions to honor God in their relationships but that if they yield to temptation and end up in a position they didn’t expect to be in, our hearts, ears and arms are always open to them. That there is nothing they can do that will disappoint us so badly that we will abandon them or reject them or publicly shame and humiliate them.
    • Followers of Jesus everywhere need to be involved in advocating publicly for the beauty of life, both the life of the
      unborn and the lives of their parents. Encouraging pregnant women to choose life is an empty rhetoric if we’re not prepared to back up our words with compassion toward single moms, church cultures that are safe for pregnant teenagers and single parents, financial support and tangible resources for those who choose life, and spiritual discipleship for those whose struggles are
      evident. Our ministry at Selah is what I call a “holistic” ministry. Yes, our mission is “to provide tangible resources in a compassionate environment through the love of Jesus, making abortion unnecessary.” But we are not only interested in the life of the unborn. We are committed to investing in every part of the parents’ lives as well—physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. At every opportunity, we share the Gospel. The needs are deep and exceed the point of decision about whether or not to have an abortion. Yes, we must come
      alongside the men and women facing pregnancy decisions to advocate for life, but then we have to keep walking with them as their choices unfold.
    • Prayer is powerful. Nothing I do has a greater impact on our clients, our community, our budget, and our staff. I have seen
      miraculous answers to prayer in these last five years, exceeding anything I’ve seen God do before.
    • Spiritual warfare is real. I have never in my life encountered the kind of spiritual battles that I’ve encountered as
      director of a pregnancy resource center. I believe the devil is active in every abortion decision; the decision to choose death is uniquely fueled by the devil’s influence, and to stand on the front lines between life and death is to stand in opposition to his lies and his power. I have felt spiritual oppression in ways I have never experienced before. We have learned to begin every day in
      prayer, asking for God’s protection. Nothing you can do will bless a local pregnancy resource center more than to pray faithfully for its staff, volunteers, and board members.
    • God cares about the unborn. I believe this ministry is close to his heart and has a unique place in his purposes. He also
      cares about the parents of the unborn, and we have a unique, beautiful opportunity to be the hands, feet and heart of Jesus to men and women who are vulnerable, fearful, and prey to an enemy who is circling, seeking for an opening to destroy and devour.
      I am amazed that God has given me this ministry, entrusting this treasure to a broken vessel.  He’s displayed His power and His glory in ways which have not only transformed this ministry, but have also transformed lives (we’ve seen several clients come to
      faith in Christ, along with the dozens who have chosen life for their babies).  The work He’s done in staff, volunteers, and
      donors has been beautiful; I count the opportunity to disciple other believers
      as one of the primary responsibilities I have as CEO of Selah.

If you have never been involved in a pregnancy resource center, I encourage you to find out if there’s one in your community (see resources below).  Call the director and ask for a tour.  Find out how you can pray and encourage the staff.

If you’ve had an abortion in your past, let me say that I’m so deeply, incredibly sorry for the experience you’ve been through.  I would encourage you to call a local pregnancy center and find out if they offer a post-abortion Bible study. If they don’t, send me an e-mail: Melinda@selahsteamboat.com.

If you’re involved in a pregnancy center ministry already, thank you.  What you are doing reflects the heart of God, Who cares about the vulnerable and calls His people to stand up in defense of the oppressed.  To advocate for life is to fulfill His mission.

To find out more about Melinda’s ministry: http://selahsteamboat.com/

 

“Give justice to <sup class=”crossreference” value=”(B)”>the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.” Psalm 82:3 ESV
Helpful Resources:




    • Free resources, including a post-abortion Bible study, to help women and families who have been impacted by abortion: Surrendering the Secret



    • To find a local pregnancy center in your area: Pregnancy Decision Line (Melinda also recommends looking in your local phone book under “abortion alternatives” or “pregnancy care.”)




by Categories: Abortion, Counseling, In Her Shoes, Pro-Life Leave a comment

Focusing on God Month by Month in ’14

 

“He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” I John 4:8
 
“And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31
 
This year I am excited about a plan God gave me to focus on Him month by month through the fruit of His Spirit …

January – God is Love
February – God is Joy
March – God is Peace
April – God is Longsuffering
May – God is Gentle
June – God is Good
July – God is Faithful
August – God is Meek
September – God is Self-Controlled
October … God will show us what to do next!

Reminders
Go grab three or four 3×5 cards! I’ve got mine!  Place one near your sink, in your bathroom, on your bed stand, in your car – and focus the WHOLE month of January on the LOVE of GOD! These cards will remind us daily. Yay for reminders!!  On each card write one of these (or make up one of your own!) …

          “God loves me!”
 
                    “God = Love”
    
                              “God, please teach me more about You as Love”
                             
                                        “God loves me!”

                                                   “Jesus, Lover of My Soul”

Ask and You Shall Receive
I encourage you to pray with me daily, asking God to reveal more of Himself to us every day this month: how we can love Him more completely, and in turn love others with His love.  This is according to His will, so we know He will answer, “Yes!” 

Record and Share
Keep a pen near your cards so you can jot down things God reveals to you through His word and Spirit about Him as Love. Or you could write them in a journal, or share what you’re learning right here!  We can also be looking to tell people around us about God and what He is teaching us about Himself.  We and they will be blessed!

I’m looking forward to growing in God, intentionally focusing on Him and learning more about Him in all His wonderfulness.  Will you join me?

“… that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” Eph. 3:17-19 NKJV

by Categories: Bible Study, Faith, God Appointments, Mind, Worship Leave a comment

Shovels, Love, and Hot Cocoa

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.”
I John 4:18 NKJV

Yesterday I watched my sons, ages 5 and 7, shovel the snow.  They were so excited to get out there, shovel in hand, helping and making the way clear.  As I stood and watched them, I was filled with love and thankfulness for my little men, growing up so big and strong, physically and spiritually. 

They weren’t perfect in their shoveling.  But, they would try to improve their methods if a lift or push didn’t do what they wanted it to do.  Of course the bigger boy got more done, but the younger did his best.  I love them the same and didn’t compare them.

It was a moment of love, not fear.  And it made me think of God’s love for us.  He looks at us in love.  He is not wagging His finger in disgust, micromanaging our lives.  He allows us to make mistakes.  He forgives.  He doesn’t compare us with each other.  He gives us the “thumbs up” as we walk along the path of life with Him.

When the boys saw me watching, smiling from the window (between stretches, lunges, and squats – gotta get exercise in sometime!), they worked harder, happier, and pretty much “went to town,” clearing the entire driveway, sidewalk, and steps.

Knowing that God is watching me with love removes my fear.  He is with me.  He is cheering me on.  He is providing everything I need to accomplish His will.  He appreciates it when I do the laundry and dishes for His glory.  And He has a reward waiting for me …

Aches, pains, cold.  After putting in several minutes of hard work, my boys came into our warm home, happy to find hot cocoa and a loving, thankful Mama.  Someday, I am going to go home, too.  And I want to hear my Father say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”  Maybe He will even have hot cocoa for us to share together.

by Categories: Faith, Fear, Joy, Motherhood, Parenting Leave a comment

In Her Shoes – Missionary to Japan

This month we get to hear from Susan in Japan.  I am so thankful for her willingness to share from her experience on God’s mission, here in the States and in Asia.  Thank you, Susan, for your testimony!
 
“Missionary wives are not so different from any other Christian wife. The only difference I can tell is location. Our lives are maybe more upside down at times than the average American’s, but when it comes down to it, we are simply women who desire to glorify God and serve Him, just like you.
Here are a few observations I’ve made after being a missionary or appointee for fourteen years.
Ways You Can Be Involved
 
First of all, we love hearing from our supporting churches.  Unless someone takes the initiative to do the telling, we rarely hear any church news. Occasionally a pastor writes quarterly updates, but many times, we are out of the loop for years at a time. We like to know what’s going on in your church (ministry opportunities, upcoming events, etc.), including pressing prayer requests. Sometimes we don’t know a new pastor has been called until long after the event. If church email addresses change, it is very helpful for us to know that, too.
Missionaries need your prayers. And one of the most encouraging things to a missionary is to hear that you are praying. Sometimes we wonder if we are “out of sight, out of mind.” When you write or email to tell us of your prayers, we feel fortified.
If you are a member of a supporting church, develop strong relationships among fellow church members. You might wonder how that helps a missionary, but if our supporting churches are weak, splitting over minor matters, or dying, it affects us greatly! But if American churches are strong, vibrant, and growing in Christ and in unity, all of us benefit.
Many of you host missionaries in your homes. We are very grateful to each of you! If you asked me what you could do better, I can’t think of anything! You all do a very excellent job. Thoughtfulness and basic cleanliness are a plus.
Do you feel that missionaries are super-spiritual saints? Wipe that thought from your minds! It’s simply not true. We are fellow Christians, with no higher access to God than you. I’ve heard people introduce me, and the awe in their voices makes me cringe. When people act like that, it usually means they feel like they could never do what we do. That is not true either. Whatever God asks you to do, you can do in His strength and enjoy it.
Some people feel awed that we would sacrifice so much in order to serve God. We don’t see it that way. (Or we shouldn’t!) We are only doing “our reasonable service.” God has done for us what we cannot do for ourselves. The Christian’s only response can be one of gratitude and joyful surrender of our lives to Him. Not everyone will serve Him overseas. Each of us is placed in the Body of Christ as God has determined. We can’t all be the “eye” or the “ear” or whatever position that seems most attractive. We all should serve God wherever He places us.
The missionary wife needs spiritual encouragement, too. We need to spend time in God’s Word, in prayer, and in fellowship with other sisters in Christ. Sometimes, when the church plant is new and small, fellowship is hard to come by. Many needy people take and take and take from the missionaries, with little encouragement being given back to them. Ways to encourage a missionary wife may include sending a note saying how God has spoken to you recently, sending Godly Christian music on a CD, sending a good Christian book that has helped you, visiting if possible, or making a phone call or setting up a Skype session.
Helping You Understand Us Better
 
Many missionary wives struggle with their role – or maybe it’s their perceived role. We feel like we have to perform missionary duties since we’re part of the missionary couple. Where does motherhood fit in? Or wifehood? Where should our priorities be? Many missionary wives I’ve met struggle with balancing these roles.
I have to constantly remind myself that my family must come first. If my children suffer from lack of attention or spiritual direction, I have missed my first calling. I must spend time with my children, investing in their lives while they’re young. The problem comes in writing that prayer letter. What did I do the last two months? Well, I changed diapers, washed a lot of dishes, attacked massive piles of laundry, and told Bible stories to my children. In my human thinking, that doesn’t sound like a successful missionary strategy! And I feel guilty.
In talking with other missionaries, I’ve found that many times we rest in the fact that just being there on the mission field as a support team for our husbands can be a huge factor. If wives are doing their job (cooking, cleaning, caring for children), this frees up the husband to do the work of making disciples. In some cases, the missionary wife is the husband’s sole encourager on the field . . . and sounding board . . . and assistant.
In conclusion, missionary wives are just common people, trying day by day to follow God’s leading. If you feel you cannot imagine what their lives are like, ask them! And maybe one day, if you yourself continue following God one step at a time, He may lead you to be a missionary wife, too! It’s an adventure of faith!”
by Categories: In Her Shoes, Missions Leave a comment

Priority Check

“… the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things — that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,  to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.” Titus 2:3-5

by Categories: Homemaking, Marriage, Mentoring, Motherhood Leave a comment