Five years ago today we experienced a new kind of loss. We were just a week away from telling the world that our home was being blessed with another baby. Then came the cramping, the blood, the tears. Even though Little Jewel is safe and happy with God, we still miss him or her today. We look forward to our reunion with Jewel and his or her little sister (who early in my pregnancy went to be with Jesus almost 2 years ago now). We don’t understand God’s plan, but we know we can trust Him. One big reason He must’ve taken Jewel home is because He wanted there to be a jolly little Joshua! I’m going to reach back into the archives and share what was on my heart five years ago …
Our Little Jewel
February 7, 2007
We have many treasures in Heaven where God is. But we recently added another, or rather God thought our little Jewel is so precious that He wanted him or her there with Him.
At the end of December we found out that we were expecting our second child. We were so very excited and praised God!! Of course there is the sigh that says, “Here we go again! Are we up to it? Things are gonna change!” We happily began making plans for 2007 and in the goals for August it simply said, “Get ready for Baby” because Baby Skinner #2 was supposed to arrive around September 4th. We chuckled that it was near Labor Day and felt contentment in our hearts as we again made ready for change.
January had a difficult start because we had picked up a Type A flu bug somewhere. The month consisted of recovering from Christmas and sickness while preparing for the 29th – Caleb’s 1st birthday! At the beginning of the month I was a little fearful . . . would I have morning sickness? Would I be able to do everything I wanted to do before family came to celebrate? Every day I got up and God gave me the strength to do what I needed to do. Sometimes I had to rest, but I had hardly a quesy feeling and daily thanked God for that good feeling!! The day approached and we were ready. The guest room was decorated, I thoroughly cleaned and Tim shampooed the carpets. The house was really looking good!
We talked about how we should tell our parents about Baby and decided to give Caleb an outfit for his birthday that said, “Big Brother” on it. It was so cute – bright blue with black wording that matched the stripes on the pant legs. It was lovingly wrapped and awaited the big day. We left that gift for last so that the focus could be on Caleb for his special day.
Grandpas and Grandmas came and we had a wondreful time together! After lunch was gift opening. He received so many lovely cards and gifts. When we helped him open the Big Brother outfit Tim videotaped our parents expressions. My mom was the first to “Pop”! and the others looked kindof shocked. What rejoicing we shared!! : ) Everyone was happy about Baby!! Caleb’s birthday was so special and has such wonderful memories for us. We have many pictures to share with him someday!
Our families were all gone back home by Tuesday, the day after Caleb’s birthday. I felt tired, especiallly on Wednesday. I felt like I couldn’t move and spent much of the day lying down. On Thursday I had some spotting and felt some initial alarm, but when I read up on it I found that spotting is common. So that made me feel better. However, it got worse on Friday. Tim and I had planned on a date that night with the Kirchners watching Caleb. I didn’t really feel like going out, but Tim thought it would be good for me. So we went to Hy-Vee for Chinese and then for a drive. The moon was full and beautiful. I had made some chocolate chip cookies to surprise Tim and put them in a gift bag with a note that said, “I love you, Tim! (heart)” It was a special night, but I was not feeling well and was anxious to get home.
On Saturday we decided I should be extra careful. Tim fed me a delicious breakfast in bed, complete with his famous pancakes! I figured out that it was our 45th month anniversary! : ) The spotting continued, and I was not feeling much better. It was getting boring staying in bed all day! On Sunday I couldn’t go to church and felt icky. Tim went in the morning, so I had to lift Caleb. I overdid making a nice dinner. I thought I was feeling stronger, but something still didn’t feel right. The bleeding continued, and I was really concerned.
Sunday night the bleeding turned into clotting and we were scared! We didn’t know what to do, so I suggested we call a friend – she had had a miscarriage and would know how to help us. It was so hard to call her at 10:30 at night and tell her, “I think I’m having a miscarriage.” She didn’t even know about our little Baby, yet. Poor friend. She was wonderful, as usual, and encouraged us to call the emergency room. They suggested we try the clinic number again and that we would be able to talk to a doctor.
We were able to talk with the dr., and she was encouraging. She said not to worry, just to call in the morning to make an appointment. She said that the baby could still be okay. We felt a little better, but I didn’t sleep much that night. I definitely felt God’s comfort over us. I was glad when morning came, and so grateful that we hadn’t had to go to the emergency room during the frigidly cold (-10) night!
We went in for an ultrasound at 1:30. They took some blood first to see what my hormones were doing. The ultrasound was kindof scary because I was hoping to see a baby with a heartbeat. The lady wasn’t allowed to interpret the pictures for us, but I asked her if she could show us where the Baby was. She said she could do that. But she didn’t. We were kindof scared. Next we waited to see our dr. She came in and asked what had been happening. She told us that she looked at the ultrasound pictures and there was no baby in there that she could see! She thought we had either already miscarried or that it was a tubal pregnancy, which would mean surgery. We were so disappointed, and I felt troubled about facing possible surgery. She was so kind to us! She said that we would need to come back on Wednesday to see if my hormones had dropped (since they were still so high). But she warned us that if we felt any sharp pains to call the clinic, and if it were after 5 to go to the emergency room without delay. Tim looked sad and disappointed across the room. We left the office sad and shocked. I cried a little in the elevator. Tim hugged me close.
We went home in shock. We called our parents to tell them. Then I took a long bath with comforting hymn music in the background. That night I looked at Tim and said, “I can’t believe our Baby is gone!” and I cried. Tim isn’t much for crying, but I could see he was sad. He held me and we grieved together. We decided to believe that Baby was already gone and not to worry about sharp pains or surgeries. Thankfully this is Wednesday and neither occured.
I went back to the clinic today to have blood work done. The hormones had dropped from 4,000 to 2,000 (approx.) . . . I need to go back again in a week to make sure they are back to zero. Our dr. was very kind and said that we probably miscarried on Sunday. She said we can try again in a couple months and we should have another baby real soon. I thanked her for being so kind, and I told her that, “We are disappointed, but we trust God’s plan.” I hope that she can see Christ in us. God helped me when I was scared to go to the clinic – thank you God, for giving me comfort and joy when humanly speaking there was little hope. We have a lot of hope in You!!!
We decided to call our Baby Little Jewel because he or she was very small (about 1 inch) and very precious to us. I still feel weak, but I can tell people are praying for us. Tim told me tonight that he misses our Baby and is disappointed. We had made so many happy plans!! Now 2007 takes on a different tone. Thankfully God is using this to draw us closer to Him and to each other. We can see so many ways that He helped us and is helping us!!! God, if you can use this, please do.
As we think of our Little Jewel we thank God that he or she is with Him, safe and loved. We also look forward to meeting Little Jewel someday! : ) I will never forget our Baby, and he or she will always be special to me. And I pray that we will be able to have more children someday soon. God knows. God gives and God takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord!!
Image courtesy of http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/images/|
Women on God's Mission 
Thank you for sharing, Kelly. I had not thought about a failed adoption in the same way before – thank you for bringing this to my attention! What an encourager you are!
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The loss of a child through miscarriage, failed adoption or death is a deep pain that can not be explained with human reasoning. But praise be to the God of our Salvation who doesn't stop with heaven, but makes life here on earth survival with His great comfort and love. Sin has corrupted our world and brought death and disease among us. I'm so thankful for the comfort that comes from knowing the One who has eternity in His hand.
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