|Taking a fun train ride with Daddy at the zoo. This picture reminds me that my family can go forward confidently with God . . . no matter what the future may bring, we can trust our Conductor.|
It is pleasant to have the sun warming me through my winter window this morning. My heart feels cold after another miscarriage, and I grieve the loss of my child. Little did I guess last week, when I posted memories of our Jewel, that the life of the newest member of our family would be so short. Psalm 127:3 clashed head on with Job 1:20-22:
This morning as I tried to get breakfast around, moving my tired aching body, my tears welled up not from chopping the onions, but from my sorrow – my child has died.
Centuries ago, when King David grieved the death of his child, God revealed to him that he would get to see his child again in the future:
Someone innocently asked me, “How old was Jade?” With complete appreciation for their good intentions, it simply doesn’t matter how far along I was, nor how old Jade was when he/she died. Jade was alive, inside me. Then Jade died, inside me. Death of a loved one is always painful … there is never enough time.
In my mind I had already planned where the baby bed would be, pictured my boys’ excitement in meeting a little sibling, and was seriously thinking through names. I wondered what Jade would look like and could envision a future of getting to know this person as they grew up, praying and trusting that he/she would grow up to love and serve God. I’m trying to thankfully reflect on the brief time we had together. Just a little while to treasure my special secret … to dream … to prayerfully dedicate this child inside me to God.
Even though God saw fit to take Jade home, it doesn’t mean I can’t trust Him. God knows all and can see everything. In comparison I’m like a blind ant scurrying around, unable to see the rock 10″ ahead of me. This God Who knows how small I am, lovingly calls me His own. He knows my grief. He promises never to leave me – He is holding me. When I am at the point of not being able to pray, utterly weighed down by sadness, He is working behind the scenes to bring the answer to my needs. He reaches out to me with . . .
My husband Tim
Caleb & Joshua (my children on earth)
and beauty in unexpected places
God has provided! One friend, not knowing why I wasn’t feeling well, suspected, and brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. They have been a balm to my spirit. A close friend brought a meal and took the boys for a couple hours. A precious neighbor helped in various amazing ways, providing the support we needed at just the right moment. Our pastor and his wife got on their knees to pray for us, asking how they can help. My sister took our boys for a couple of days so we can rest and have time to grieve. Friends and family have prayed and offered suppport. They have rejoiced with us and grieved with us about Jade.
I’m not sharing my heart with you so you can feel sorry for me. Please don’t! I want you to know that we have a beautiful child in Heaven named Jade. And far more importantly, I want you to know GOD CAN BE TRUSTED. We can have joy in our hearts, and we can smile through our tears, because God is real! Whether God gives you a husband or not. Whether He gives you children or not. No matter what the diagnosis, no matter how many lost dreams you experience, nothing changes Who God is. And Jeremiah 29:11 is still in the Bible.
It’s okay to grieve. He can help me through. He has a plan. He will not waste this. There is hope! And someday, I will look into the eyes of Jesus, and He will introduce me to my beautiful treasures – Jewel, Gem and Jade … who by God’s grace never experienced the pain of this earth – only the beauty of God in His home. I was never able to tell them about Jesus, but the first One they ever met was Jesus. I am a very blessed mother of five. May all my children bring Him glory, there and here.